Trying to gain perspective

I've spent the last few hours trying to gain perspective about life. I drove to the ocean, sat on a lifeguard tower and tried to calm down. I tried to let the hugeness of the ocean remind me of my small place in this world. It didn't work. I'm still incredibly upset, about several things. Maybe tomorrow will be a new day.

Roller Coaster

The past 72 hours have been the biggest roller coaster. I thought I had made a pretty final decision to move to San Francisco at the end of July. I started toying with this idea in mid-February when one of my friends from college proposed the idea of us moving to SF and sharing an apartment. The idea got more and more appealing as it became clear that when my lease is up on July 31st that I would be forced to move (long story). At the time I felt very alone (without significant other, without best friend) and if I were to be presented with the option of moving in July and probably only staying in the new place for another year and then moving again that the option of moving back up north might be a better reality.

As someone recently pointed out to me, I've planned several "escapes" back to northern CA, none of which actually occurred. During my sophomore year of college I planned a transfer to Chico State, and then during my junior year I planned a transfer to Cal Poly SLO (although not exactly northern CA by my standards). A few years ago when my best friend was moving back up north I planned to move at the same time, a third failed attempt. This time things really seemed RIGHT. I felt that I was willing to leave my job and my friends, although I anticipated being missed on the surface I didn't feel that anyone would go through any sort of radical transition or feel a great sense of loss due to my move (I still don't think anyone will, that hasn't changed in the least bit). However in the past month I have started seeing someone, and that complicates things, to an extent that I can't really pinpoint. Traditionally I have had boyfriends. I have not dated, I have not slept around, I have had boyfriends. This is uncharted territory for me, which was acceptable due to the fact that I thought I would only be living here for a few more months. I've done a reasonably good job of telling myself that I wouldn't want to get in a serious relationship right before moving because it would complicate things. But sure enough, whatever type of relationship I may be in is complicating things anyway. But I honestly can't say how much, my answer to everything right now is "I don't know".

I do know that the cost of living in SF is significantly higher than in southern CA. This actually does surprise me, I was unaware that prices to rent an apartment in SF rival prices in NYC. Right now it seems unrealistic that I could afford to live in SF. I have been told that employers in the area understand about the higher cost of living and offer generous salaries to compensate you. But I still can not wrap my mind around making the leap from paying $650/month to share a 4 bedroom/4 bathroom house with 3 roommates to paying $1500/month to share a 2 bedroom/1 bathroom apt with one roommate. I can't imagine that an employer would be willing to pay me THAT much more, when I do not feel that I have any skills that would warrant such an increase in salary.

I visited SF a few weeks ago and had a wonderful time staying with one of my friends from high school. She and I made plans to live together when I move up in July, and decided we would like to stay in the same neighborhood that she currently lives in. I enjoyed walking just a few blocks in any given direction and having an amazing variety of restaurants and shops to browse through. I enjoyed the prospect of "city life" for a year or two, even thought it was something I had never before considered. I came back to southern CA feeling like I had made the final decision to move, and that lasted all of a week. The following Sunday I started to get teary eyed at the thought of leaving the only place I have called home for my entire adult life. By Monday afternoon I was back on the fence about moving, and by Tuesday I was asking my roommates if they would be interested in staying in our current place for another 6 months or so if we could find a roommate to replace the one that is moving out. We consulted with the necessary people and were told this afternoon that we could sign another lease for 7 months if we'd like (that puts us here through February '09), and I thought that it was agreed upon, until this evening. At that point I learned that my roommates would prefer to move to a new place in a different part of town. In an instant I flashed back to one of the original reasons why I was thinking about moving up north, because I don't want to do another short-term move. I almost burst into tears. I felt like throwing something. I should have just cried and gotten it out of my system because now I feel like I have this huge lump in my throat. I basically said that if I stay in southern CA that I REALLY do not want to leave our current house. I understand the location may not be ideal for all involved, but we are here, we are settled, and what is the harm in staying for another 7 months if this isn't unbearable?

I don't even know what I want to do now. I wish I could just put this out of my mind for a few days, which is entirely impossible. The second I get to work tomorrow I will see my southern CA vs SF pro/con list next to my computer. When I go out to dinner on Saturday night all my friends will be asking about the potential move. I feel like I can't escape this huge choice I have brought upon myself.

Update: Personal Training

After much careful consideration I decided I was NOT going to pay for personal training for financial reasons. And then I bought 5 sessions. I had my first two this week on Monday & Wednesday, and I am hurting. It was much worse going in yesterday with already being sore and very tired. But it's good for me, so yay! I'll have two more next week (also Monday & Wednesday) and then my final session on Wednesday the 30th (I will be out of town that Monday).

Doing the training has killed the amount of cardio I get in. Pre-training I was going to the gym about three times a week and taking group exercicse classes on two of those days. Now it's all I can do to drag myself to the gym for my hour long training session, and then drag myself back to my car. Oh well, it's an adventure!

Personal Trainer

As I was walking into the gym last night for my 30 minutes on the elliptical I was accosted by a short kid who offered me a free personal training session. Why not, I'm adventurous, right? I was seriously afraid he was going to KILL me with the workout, but that was not the case. He had me do some basic things and noticed that my form is awful, so had me do some more basic things and tried to get me to keep my knees from coming inwards and tried to keep me from learning to one side or the other. I'm going back next Wednesday for another free session, and then I will be hooked and I will shell out a LOT of money for 10 personal training sessions. I knew it wasn't cheap, but I didn't know it was so damn expensive!!

Have any of you ever paid for a personal trainer before?

4 Years of College + (almost) 5 Years of "Real" Life

Since graduating from high school I have spent nine years discovering who I am. The most important thing I have discovered is what my passion is. If you ask most people what their passion is their response would be art in one form or another, but I've never been the artist type. I don't play an instrument, or sing, or paint, sketch or write. I go to concerts. Live music is my THING.

Other things that seem important to mention are that I learned to live with roommates for the first time ever, and I learned to live alone at a time when I thought I'd never live alone again. I learned that I can go to the movie theater alone, but I only ate in a sit down restaurant alone once.

I had my first "real" boyfriend, and my first marriage proposal (different men). I bought three cars without having a parent there to hold my hand (one of which I bought alone without anyone at all). I took my first vacations without my family, including going to the place that was our family vacation destination through out my childhood.

I've been sky diving, para sailing and I've seen Rage Against The Machine play under the desert sky. I've been to Las Vegas three times, and I have been a bridesmaid in one wedding.

All these things I have discovered about myself, and all these things I have done for the first time will always be San Diego memories.

Sad Songs Say So Much

Everyone needs a night to just sit around and listen to sad music, right? Or is that just making me more crazy?

My favorite sad song is The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice. This song was featured in my favorite sad movie, Closer. Side note: that is one of the first movies I've have ever called a "favorite". My second favorite sad song is Boston by Augustana.

This morning felt like it should have been Saturday, and I blame my roommates for going out of town yesterday, which some how made last night feel like Friday because I was home alone and bored. Except now it's Friday night, and I'm home alone, and I'll be bored soon. I can't say I'm bored yet, because I turned down an offer to join my co-workers at Babies-R-Us while they shop for baby shower gifts.

Dinner was a disappointment. First I was set for In 'n' Out, but them I remembered that one of my roommates got the turkey artichoke panini from Panera last week and it smelled incredible. So I ordered it, but they can't take the onions off because they are mixed in with the pre-made sauce, so I ate a few bites to test it, but I really can't get passed the onions. So that was a bummer. Thankfully the chicken noodle soup filled me up, but I was really hoping that I had found a new Panera favorite.

No dice

No call from cute waiter boy, but that's just fine, he could be a psycho killer.

I got fun things in the mail this week. A clingy black dress I'm wearing to a wedding next month, and a pair of verrrrry long black slacks for work.

My latest Netflix obsession is One Tree Hill, I'm on disc 3 of the first season.

I had jury duty this morning, I was there for three hours before the majority of us were let go, they were only doing jury selection for one trial today.

I hoped to get some fresh air and take a walk around the neighborhood after work today, but I went to a new grocery store and bought some guacamole and chili lime chips and came home to stuff my face instead.